make it make sense

  1. Something with which you struggle.

Can I write about the struggle to come up with something to write about right now? Or how about THE Struggle, as in “The Struggle is Real” ? Or maybe the struggle of finding something to wear when I “have nothing to wear.” (Even though I have a closet FULL of clothes *insert eye roll*) Or the eyeliner struggle. I’ll explain for any men reading this: you put eyeliner on one eye and it’s perfect. You do the other eye and it’s not even, so you apply more to the first eye in an attempt to even it out. This goes on until ones reflection is actually a raccoon. The eyeliner struggle.

But in an effort to be transparent, I’ll go a little deeper than makeup struggles. Although there is a time and a blog for that.

So here is my general statement about struggle: I struggle with wanting to know and make sense of EVERYTHING. 

I want to make sense of voters who call themselves Christians and are supporting and voting in their state primaries for Trump. I struggle with the lack of knowledge that I have about the future. I want to know what my life will look like in 5 years from now, in 5 days from now, in 5 months from now. I don’t understand emotion based decisions, and I can’t make sense of people when they process emotion first, logic second. I struggle to understand my own emotions, and often find myself justifying them with knowledge and trying to find a way to make them ‘make sense.’ When other people are sad or angry or bitter, I want to make sense of their emotions. When situations and circumstances happen, I ask ‘why’ in an attempt to understand, which is always my attempt to make it make sense.

I like when things make sense. I’m happy and productive and non-argumentative when things make sense and conversely nothing riles me up like being in a conversation with someone who isn’t being logical or is acting (at least to me) non-sensical. Or hearing about or being in a situation that I can’t assign meaning and understanding to.

BUT… the world is structured in a way that we may never get all the answers. And I’m here to say that I don’t like that. And I never like it in the moment I need an answer or I need the world to make sense for me.

You know what makes my struggle (I feel like it’s about time to Google a synonym for struggle) more struggley (I made that word up)… my life is devoted to a God who asks me to TRUST and tells me that I may not always understand. I’ve found in the last few years that there are a few things (make that a billion things) that I might never understand, and it took a lot of prayer and spending time with my nose in my Bible to come to terms with that. And for many situations, I assigned meaning and answers. If for no other reason than to quiet the ever-shouting scream of “MAKE IT MAKE SENSE” in the space between my ears.

I fully expect to wrestle (thank you Google) with this for the rest of forever. And I foresee behemoth sized situations I won’t be able to wrap my mind around. But I take comfort in believing that answers are out there, all of them, even if they’re on the other side of Heaven.



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